Written On December 31st, 1969

  Coping with anger & rage…while I don’t see myself as an angry person, I have to admit that I like to have the sun shine on my more agreeable aspects. I don’t know many people who brag about how much they love their shadow. For a while, I thought that anger was ugly somehow. Having conflict wasn’t an alternative in my eyes. Things could always be worked out, no? well, I was a bit younger then. Now? I get angry, but I’m still reluctant to put it out there. The social contract must be really important to me. We’re all in this together, so disagreements just shouldn’t happen. When I boil it down, it’s easy to see the mistake I was making. This is just another reason why I don’t mind getting older. The experiences add up & I can see patterns and trends that blindsided me before…     …anyway, a friend of mine defined anger as the body’s way of reacting to injustice. I’m not too sure if I agree with that definition 100%, but it’s the one I’m going to use for now. Anger and rage aren’t the same thing though…in my eyes. Rage seems a bit more uncontrolled. Anger can be justified a bit more. There’s righteous anger. It’s been attributed to god, so it must be ok, no? I’m not too sure about monotheism or  personifying deities, but this isn’t the time or place for that. Anger…that’s the topic at hand. See how I use the distraction to avoid handling even the topic of anger? Well, that’s part of my attitude towards it. It’s not easy for me to admit to being angry over something. Freaking out, losing control, & yelling @ someone just aren’t something that I do. Where all that comes from is a whole other bag. The interesting point to me is that just writing about anger makes me avoid the topic. I guess it’s taboo, a real charged subject. I’m having difficulty writing & picking out words. The thing that I have learned is to just keep moving. There’s the old Churchill quote: “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” So that’s what I’ll do. I didn’t grow up around that type of behavior, first off. As I said before, my biodad had died a few months after I was born. We moved away from Boston when I was 3. There wasn’t a guy around the house until my mum remarried when I was 10. My step-dad is a good guy. It just took me a long time to realize that. I have heard stories about other peoples’ dads & the anger & rage that they showed. While I can understand the idea of it, I don’t know what it’s like. I know that I don’t like being around people who get loud & belligerent when they’re upset. It’s not easy to handle that type of behavior for me. I had to face that when I was working @ the finch though. This one loud mouthed kid had figured out that most people won’t deal w/ that type of shouting. He would get wound up from time to time & just scream & yell, relying on others to defer to his ploy. While I gave dude a wide berth, I had to confront both him and myself. He ended up running off b/c it was what he wanted to do. While I’ll face an angry person, I really don’t want a fight. I read a guide to fighting recently that seemed on track. People never expect the headbut, but it leaves you really exposed if it misses. Adrenalin will anesthetize the pain for awhile, don’t be afraid of getting hurt. I could go on, but won’t.     my point is that even though I may avoid anger and/or rage, others don’t. I have accepted that reality just by soaking in our american culture. Daily reports of murders, rapes, gun attacks, and stabbings abound. There’s no shortage of chaos in this world. Anger & rage are just part of the recipe…     how do I want my kids to handle these emotions? My daughter is 2 now & she’s able to talk her way through a tantrum. She works herself up when she’s frustrated, but asking about what’s upsetting her gives her the chance to use words instead of screaming. It’s easier that way, for both of us. I like the day care where she is right now. They’re really into socializing the kids & having them work together. She’s been there since she was around 2 months. Sonny Jim just started there. He’ll be 3 months on Monday the 6th. I think that part of my frustration with his colic is the same discomfort with anger & rage. He just screams and screams so loud. After a few minutes of that & I’m almost ready to scream just like him. I’ve heard an uncle say that babies crying is the closest that we can get to the source of life. I just don’t really buy into the whole “miracle of life” song & dance…   

Tags: fatherhood