Written On December 31st, 1969

  So…thirty minutes on what makes a good father? Seems easy enough…until I admit where I am with all that. I was born in November of 71 & my dad died in april of 72. Sure, my mum remarried in 81, but that leaves a few important years with a gaping hole where most dads would be. Now that I have kids & have sorted through a bunch of personal stuff, I can see that I don’t have to unlearn some other guy’s hang-ups or issues. At the same time though, I can see myself molding my kids into a certain type of individual already. I have had a few role models through the years & have lost a few along the way. I just lost an uncle who was pretty close with my dad & he was able to let me know about my dad in a pretty solid way…     Still, what makes a good dad? My step-dad showed me a lot even though it took me awhile to see him as a decent guy. He’s been with my mum ever since they got married back in the early 80s, so I can’t really fault him for too much. So, staying around must be pretty important for starters. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my folks argue or fight. They would walk back to their room & talk about whatever was on their mind. I admit that I listened in a few times & they weren’t really into yelling or throwing stuff around. No matter what happened, they never really went that way. That’s been pretty impressive to me as I talk with people about their styles of arguing. I’m not saying that my folks are perfect, I’m just remembering them as not vicious fighters or lour arguers. That filters my view of being a dad.     Also, I think that one of the things that I’d like to be as far as being a father is just there. I know I mentioned it before, but we just had father’s day & my daughter’s 2nd birthday together over the weekend. That was a lot of fun for me. I’m glad that I was able to participate. Being there meant a lot to both of us. Being a dad with my two kids gives me a chance to live through the gaping hole in my life. It is a new place for me to go b/c I don’t really have much experience with parenting from the male angle. At first, I thought that the kids wouldn’t really care for me one way or the other. I didn’t see the importance of fatherhood from their perspective. I guess that I had disconnected that part emotionally and was expecting the same from them. It doesn’t work that way. From the silly games we play to having to step in and say a stern “no,” my role is pretty important in the lives of my kids. I know it might sound trite or simplistic to make a statement like that, but it’s where I am with it. I’m not trying to come off like I’m some expert on the topic I’m just a guy who did some school & now has two kids. I’m in the same relationship, but I’m not really interested in getting married. That’s a whole other set of ideas & philosophies that aren’t all that relevant to the points I’m making. Like I said, just being there means a lot, so I’d like to work through whatever comes up between us b/c there are kids involved. At the same time, I don’t know much about the effects of divorce. That’s a blind spot for me, like eating disorders. I know more about the absentee father than the asshole dad or the junkie/alcoholic dad. While I thought that having any type of dad would be ok, I’ve come to learn that they fall along a spectrum. Great dad’s can have mediocre kids and it’s not much of a reflection on the parenting style or skills…     But what makes a great dad? I’m not sure if I can really answer that question fully. Not having had a father, I have no background to say what did or didn’t work. I can look out the window and postulate or theorize, but that isn’t really helping me answer the question. Maybe running a group of other fathers will give me a chance to glimpse into the lives of other dads to see things through their eyes. Working with kids @ the school gave me a real ground level view of dads. But I don’t think that the composite view cobbled from the kids really serves as a solid foundation due to the fact that many of these kids are coming to therapy b/c their dads aren’t doing the right thing in one way or another. If those kids had great dads, would the need therapeutic intervention? So maybe their dads need some type of remedial parenting lessons. I’m not pro, but the letters behind my name do carry some weight. I know family systems and group dynamics & what makes those work. While I don’t run my house like a group, issues like communication, honesty, and accepting responsibility are important across the board. I have a friend who quotes this nation’s founding fathers on a regular basis. Listening to their ideas gives me a historical framework that shows what concepts were in the air during the origins of this experiment we call America…   

Tags: fatherhood